Well, I'm back home in Malaysia! Spent like 4 hours in total from Changi airport and now back home. I just left my luggage upstairs and came down to blog. There are so many things in my mind. This trip seriously has made me think so much about my future. What do i really want ? Where to start to get back on track? It has been a rocky year since beginning of this year. It started off by getting dumped from a guy whom I thought I will end up marrying. I was so hurt and down with misery for months with all the anger, betrayal, sorrows and loneliness until i got back on track with the support of my loved ones i.e. friends and family. Things began to look better especially after I met someone whom has so much influenced towards me. He has made me think a lot about my future especially my career path.
Yes, I want to change job and have been seeking opportunities to work elsewhere. In fact, i thought of getting a job in SG in view of the currencies earned there and SG has always been a safe country to live in. Apart from that, I'm in love with the guy who is currently based in SG and very unlikely he will be back in Malaysia in near future. Things turn out to be so much more complicated when i have yet to find any luck to even get an interview after sending in so many applications. He in turn tells me that I should not go over to SG unless the offer is good which is very true. Well, he has more working experience than i have and in fact I, being 26 is still behaving childishly which somehow indirectly turn him off. I know exactly what he is trying to tell me. He doesn't want to be selfish towards me and wants me to think about myself and love myself than anyone else. What about him ? he and his unresolved issues in his relationship. Yes, he did tell me that he loves and wants to be with me but he is not doing anything at all to prove to me that he is all for me. On the other hand, i have been trying to get things work out well for us. I only live once and if i don't fight for something i want badly and just give up, I know i will definitely regret one day. It may not be worth it to sacrifice for a man but that is exactly what i want. I just want to be with someone I love....is that wrong? unless he tells me that he doesn't love me at all and can never leave his gf. Gosh....complications and more complications. I'm stucked in between and if i get to choose, i would rather being his current gf who at least has a better position than I'm - refers as the other "woman".
Just now at the airport, I thought i will not cry but after browsing the pic of him in my ipod. My eyes became watery but I tried to hold it back as my gut feelings tell me that i should not give up and move on just like that. My heart hurts :( I used to believe in GOD a lot but after a bad break up, I chose not to believe in anything and just follow my instinct. However, I'm back to square one but no direction at all. Can someone out there drop me a hint what i should do? It is getting worst day by day......more and more misery moments. I just want to be loved...it's so simple but I fail to achieve it at all. :(
Fon
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