Being the other "person" isn't great at all

I have been busy with my work ever since I came back from SG and obviously i tend to blog lesser. I'm quite sleepy right now but i insist to blog today as it has been kept in my heart for sometime so i have to blurt it all out.

In my previous blog, I mentioned that I'm falling in love again. Yes, I did fall in love again but somehow it turned out to be so complicated which I could not imagine that i'm actually caught in such situation especially when i know clearly that i'm the other "person" in someone's relationship. This is such a bad situation and now i realise why people can be so selfish when comes to relationship. I thought i won't be selfish but subconsciously i become more and more selfish each day and I really want to be with him since we both know that we love each other so much.

Since my SG trip, we have grown closer and closer each day and won't miss a single not talking to each other. It will be either through msn, sms or emails. If none of these take place, he would call me to make sure I'm alright. I was also glad that he came to look for me over the weekend and obviously we really miss each other a lot though we did not see each other for just 1.5 weeks. However, nothing has changed as the problem is still there and has yet to resolve. He still belongs to someone else and I'm here waiting and is left miserable with the hope that one day we could be officially together. When will be the day ? or perhaps there will never be the day? sigh....why? why it has to be like this especially when we know so clearly that we want to be with each other so badly but we have to go through this as if God is putting a test on us? I do not know how long i can take this as i can start to feel that this is merely a hope and may not even happen at all.

I want to have a change of environment but till now nothing has happened. It is getting stressful when i have yet to receive any developments about my job applications in SG. It is worse when I find out that my ex is living a happier life than me. All the reasons my ex gave me when he broke up with me were all bullshits....flashed back in my car :-

G : Lets not go into the house first and lets talk.
J : Oh no...please don't do this to me !
G : I have to be honest with you....I have lost the feeling in our relationship. It has been a long time and I do not have a solution for it. I can't see myself bringing our relationship to another level. I do not want to waste your time. I also can assure that i will definitely fall for someone else one day and if i would to go out with another girl one day and if you happen to bump into me, you definitely can't take it as you are a good girl and in fact too good for me.
J : No...i can't take this !! There must be a solution for this.
G : I do not want to be attached and I just want to be single. I find that it is not healthy anymore as you have been so compromising all the time. It takes two to clap but somehow it looks as though it's one sided and clear enough you love me so much and willing to do anything for me. Or i should say that i don't love you enough to keep you.
J (in tears) : I don't find it wrong to be compromising all the time as i love you. When you love someone, you will tend to compromise to make things work in a relationship.
G : I already have no solution for this. If you can figure it out, please tell me as i won't even bother to find anymore solutions. If you want, we can still try out for another week or even a month but i can tell you that my decision won't change and i have said what i want to say. You better go back and think about it thoroughly. It is not easy for to do this but I have to do it as i do not want to hurt you any further.
J : I'm speechless and broken hearted.

........in less than few months, my ex hooked up with someone new whom i knew about her existence even before we broke up. Why does he want to lie to me by saying that he doesn't want to be attached when he somehow already has the feeling that he will definitely fall for someone else? It was so tough to go through the days without him and was left miserable with the thought that we could get back together. He just messed up with my feelings by telling me that we could still go out as friends. Well, it didn't happen for long especially when he has someone new now. Again and again he will reject my invitations and try to ignore me. We no longer have good conversations like we used to even when we were just friends but now left with multiple rejections and cold shoulder. He also embarrassed me in front of his girl though i do not have any intentions at all but just being friends. If he didn't want me as his friend, just F*** off out of my life rather than treating me worse than a friend. He seriously doesn't deserve me as I deserve better.

After what happened to me, it makes me believe in Karma even more. It reminded me the time I broke up with my first bf. It also happened when a new guy came into my life. My situation now is exactly like that new guy (who became my 2nd bf) as he was being the other "person" in my relationship. He knew he wanted me which i had to make a choice to leave my first bf to be with him. I felt so bad, guilty and heartless that time. Though it was such a pain to hurt someone else but I had to do it in order for me to be with someone whom i love even more. Without any second thought or even think about what are the consequences, i made the decision with no regrets. Yes, i had hurt my first bf to take the risk to be someone else whom I thought he was the one for me and again i was wrong when he broke my heart after 3 years 3 months and 23 days together. I can feel the pain that my first bf had experienced when I broke his heart about 4 years back. What goes around comes around......it's like a neverending cycle and now i'm trap in between someone else's relationship. My current guy is just too nice and good to hurt anyone around him. It's either me and her but i'm far worse off since we barely know each other long enough to make him decide that he wants to be with me more than her. Love makes people to behave selfishly as i personally do not find it wrong to strive for something which means so much to me. Opportunity doesn't knock on our door anytime. It can either bring pain or happiness, no one knows unless you experience it. Sometimes fate just can't stop meddling.......evil but true.

Sigh....relationship is complicated and crappy !!!! perhaps I could live better off without the word LOVE. I just hate love....

Fon

Uniquely Singapore

The reason why i stop blogging as i was too excited for my singapore trip but it is all over now. I'm back to reality !!!

Well, being away for few days.....my work piled up !! I've been working late for the past few days. Nah...i'm not going into details. It's better i talk about my SG trip. The last time i went to SG is like 3 years back. Somehow this time i went to different places and not to miss is we ATE a lot :). I must thank my great host, TW who has been such an angel to me when i was there. It was truly a memorable trip. He brought me to Science Park, Snow City, Sentosa Island and Vivo City. We even tried fanstatic food at a few fancy restaurants like Wakaru (Jap), Dian Xiao Er (Chinese), Pretzel & Raspberry (German/Western), Barnacles (Western) and Marche (fusion). I will never forget such great eating experience especially with someone who also loves to eat. TW also introduced a good friend of his, KT who is really funny and friendly. I enjoyed both of their company at Wala Wala @ Holland V. They really made me in the mood to have some booze - Little Creatures Bright Ale, Sangria White (my fav cocktail) and Lychee Martini. woo hooo......Love it ! Hope to have such session again soon.....

There are so many things I want to share about my SG trip but I don't know where to start. I guess I will just keep it inside my memories - unforgettable memories. Happy moments should be buried deep down inside my heart. How good to have such experience in which you wake up in the morning and someone has prepared breakfast for you and every morning, you will get at least a glass of fruit juice next to your bed.....hahah....i'm such a lucky b*tch !! Probably, I'm in fantasyland again....muhahahahahaha......

oh...i forgot to mention about Disney's Beauty and The Beast, The Broadway Musical which i watched on 29 June 2008. It was superb....i always like musical play. It's entertaining and the performance is always up to a certain standard - to sum it all, high class ! I still remember the first time i watched beauty and the beast cartoon. I watched with my best friend, HY that time with her mum at the cinema. We were only in Standard 4. I was carried away there then when Belle and beast had their first dance together at the balcony. As usual, i was fantasizing that one day my prince charming will be doing the same. hahha...daydreaming is my fav past time ever since i was young. That's why I could remember almost every single thing that i experienced since young. Perhaps, this is a gifted ability from God to me :p. I should make good use of it. Probably it's not a good thing at all to have such good memories.

My parents are in Taipei now.....wish this trip was planned earlier then i could follow them there. They used up my second sis's last free tickets since she has resigned from MAS to go back to IT industry. However, I'm happy for my parents as they should seriously enjoy themselves since they had been enough of hard times to raise all 4 of us up. In fact, my sis has free tickets for them every year but they hardly use it every year. I think so far, they only been to Europe, Hong Kong, Shenzen, Macau, Argentina, South Africa and now Taiwan though my sisters were in MAS for almost 10 years.

uhuh...my fav song by Martina McBride is playing - Somewhere Over Rainbow. Just imagine this song is played when you are with someone you love dearly at a cosy place. so sweet....aww......

Fon