Love, yes ? no ?

Life has its ups and downs. I'm at the period where i'm at the cross roads again and not sure which direction i should take. It's coming to a year since i moved to SG for work. It has been an interesting year as met quite a number of new friends. The whole new environment changed my perception about life. No doubt, I'm very much occupied with work, family and social life but there are times where i'm confused what i should do. There are a few friends whom had inspired me in a lot of ways.....I do admire their hardwork and determination to achieve something in life. I'm working towards that direction - i want my own crib and not to say a lifetime companion who can go through thick and thin together. My life isn't complete without a lovelife.

Oh well, being single is fun but after being single for almost 2 years....it can be quite sad and demotivated. I have used to my singlehood....i have lots of freedom in doing whatever i feel like doing. I love to share my happiness with all my loved ones. I'm happy for those who have found love. My past relationships have made me set high expectations on the next person i want to be with. I would say.....this person is a perfectionist and it will be a challenge to even meet this type of guy. If i'm destined to be single forever, i just have to live with it. Another 1.5 months to go to say bye bye to 2009 and hello 2010! I'm looking forward to another exciting year and there will be a lot of important decisions to make and also have to get the ball rolling......need to plan something about my future. haven't thought how challenge this coming year will be but definitely can get through it well.

Fon

I should not have mixed feelings but I did.

I hardly blog nowadays as FB does have the features of jotting down short notes and share with friends. I only blog here when I don't feel like sharing my thoughts to people i know. Few months passed....I experienced peak period to off peak and left to London for 2 weeks vacation. The trip was wonderful and also an eye-opener for me to realise that there are just so much things to see and experience. I just love it and build up my passion to travel even more. Well, I thanked my cuz for making this happen to me.

I'm now back to reality......yeah, it's demovating to be back to work but more exciting to look forward to upcoming trips. I bought lots of stuffs back for myself, family and friends. When I see them happy, I'm happy! I shared my thoughts and photos with friends and family as the indication that I'm glad that I've gone for the trip.

After I got back, something weird happened. After not dating any guy for almost 2 years, i have lost that feeling and can't even feel how it is like to fall in love. I sort of prepare myself to live alone and enjoy my singlehood life as long as I have money to keep me happy. I feel so strange that I could actually let a guy friend of mine to kiss and hug me in one of the late nights watching movies together. I have no freaking idea what is he up to and I don't know why I didn't stop him. Well, as i have known him for quite a while and also known him for being such a bastard esp with those girls who are crazy over him. He is a commitment freak so he would not make any relationship official unless he really mean it. As I'm his friend, so i thought he would not do such thing to me or take advantage of me. Afterall, he is a good friend indeed...someone whom i could count on if i'm in trouble. I always believe that if he likes me and I like him, we would have dated so much longer ago. I have read so much about how guys can hurt a girl just to satisfy their lust so i thought I'm prepared and will not let this happen to me anymore.

Well, I must say that he is kind of attractive and fulfil the criteria of my future man in term of physic. Having a crush is normal but as I know i'm not the one he is looking for so i never bother to go few steps further as i like him as a friend. He gives me 2 impressions now after what he has done to me. First, he did that as he has been doing the same thing to all the girls who doesn't mind sleeping with him. so this makes me feel that he is also seeing me as one of those girls he has been fooling with. Second, he did that as he does have feeling for me else he would not do that. Well i must say that i agree on the first point more as i know a guy could just hurt a girl's feeling and without thinking of the consequences. Now it makes feel even worse as i have been labeled "cheap" or "easy" and he no longer see me as a good friend. Since what had happened, we never talk about it as we still go out as normal friends which we have been doing. I never bother to confront him as I don't see it worth doing so. It would probably make the matter worse. Probably no more friends. Guess this is quite normal for him but not for me.....well, i must admit that I begin to know how to play this "no strings attached" game but I really do want it to happen. I just want to be my real self but not categorised as a slut. All i need is to have someone who truly loves and accepts me for who I'm but not being fooled around. This isn't the first time.

Oh well, if he is going to do it again someday, I better have my guts ready and say it to his face : "YK, you better mean it if you want to kiss me. Otherwise, you will just lose me as a friend. " Anyway, I doubt this happen again as he actually stepped back after a few kisses. feeling guilty perhaps!

This whole incident just spoilt my weekend!

Fon

Braces removed...

After being influenced to put on braces about 4.5 years ago, the metal thingy which pull my set of teeth together were removed. I'm smiling for joy now. It was indeed a very worthy long term investment !

It also marked the day of freedom.....the person who wanted me to put on braces is not the first person to see my beautiful smile.

I deserve so much better things in life.

Fon

It's coming to 5th month....

Time flies....it's entering to my 5th month in Singapore. Things have been moving fast and I'm picking up my work pretty well now. But i have set rather high expectation on myself so I still feel that I'm not performing at the very best level yet. Anyway, there're way too many things to learn in life. Just too many which i doubt i can finish learning.

I'm still learning to accept the fact that I'm single. Been dumped and left broken hearted. I'm still picking up the broken pieces of my heart and trying to put them back together. Whatever need to be said has been said and whatever need to be done has been done. There is no turning back but to look forward to grab every opportunity that i have to be happy. On the surface, i look happy and positive but deep down inside me, there are still lots of grieves and sore. Why am i torturing myself for someone who is not even worth it ? no one to blame but myself for getting involved with someone who messed up my entire life. No doubt I'm stronger now not to let anyone mess up my life again but it is not enough. It makes me even more angry that he can actually tell me that he is tired of fighting with his current gf and now want to hold back the trigger. what a coward ! he lost my respect.

I feel that having this blog is stupid....on and on i'm talking about the same old issue. I should get rid of this blog.

Fon

Rainy days...

I have been busy so never bother to blog. It was raining heavily and was trapped in the house. For the first time ever, i really my life's so boring. I don't know what to do and I'm lazy to get out from the house. I think this is one of the days that you just don't want to do anything or meet anyone.

I begin to feel more positive each day and my dream to go to London has drawn closer. I just got myself a ticket to London for 2 weeks vacation ! I can't wait seriously but for now need to focus on my work and save all the money to be used there.

It has been a crazy month - for the very first time that I spent so much in a month, a new cam, a new lappie and a ticket to London !!!! That's it....no more spending after this. save save save !!!!! $$$ is not easy to earn....it's all from blood and sweat. haha...

I better get going.

Fon

why why why...

I'm blogging first time while at the airport waiting for my flight back to Singapore. I was back to Malaysia for a weekend due to my dental appointment and it has to be a valentine's weekend. This is my first valentine that I celebrated without someone i love. Anyway, it was a good one as I got to hang out with my beloved girlfriends to pamper ourselves with massages and a nice dinner.

I could not believe myself is that I actually miss HIM. It has been a year or so....my feeling is still the same. Missing him but don't want to see him. Truthfully, I'm still very much in love in him although i know his heart has someone else now. The other day a close friend of mine actually asked me whether when i can let go the past and open my heart to accept someone new into my life. It's not there is no one out there for me but i just could not let go. All the memories still so fresh in my mind...... I was so hurt by him when he left me but how come i'm still carrying this excess baggage with me even i have moved to Singapore to start a new life. Now I kinda regret that I made the trip back this time. I really do not know when i can actually let go. Why am i still hanging on with someone who broke my heart and so selfish ???? Probably this is some kind of punishment that i have to go through during this current life.

Even though i had deleted him from everything but that doesn't stop others telling me about him. Each time i hear about him, my heart will end up uncomfortable and hoping that I could touch him once again. No matter how strong i appear but inside me i'm still trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I foresee this wound will be there for a while....1 year, 2 years or 10 years or forever??? I really don't know. I admire some people who can move on so fast and be happy.

I hate this feeling very much....arrgghhhh !!! I hate you, G !!! really really hate you.....

Fon

Changeling

i just got back from a movie "Changeling" and it was awesome. Sad and I could really feel Angelina Jolie's character being a mum and strong woman. She makes the woman out there proud ! Hope she gets the Oscar. So many nice movies coming up.....can't wait to watch all of them.

These few days I have a bit moody. I don't know the reason why but i guess once in a while it's just not my day. For example last Friday.....I had a bad day really. I got scolded by my client which wasn't my fault at all and got screwed by a Manager whom I don't really fancy for questioning me on my time sheet which I spent most of weekends updating it. Luckily, I have a bunch of friends who can spice up my day after work. Cheers to you all !

This weekend has been slagging too...i was out pampering myself and chilling with friends. I didn't want to think about my work even though i know that the work is piling up. Nah....take it one at a time. For the money sake, I will ignore everything but focus on my work. I need to be happy and perform.

Tomorrow will be another feasting day...it's Chap Goh Meh which is also known as chinese v-day. I will be back to KL next weekend. Can't wait to catch up with some of my friends back home. After almost 2 months i'm here, i begin to miss home especially my room. Being lonely is torturing but need to make my life more colourful.

It's not healthy to keep thinking about the past. It's so hard to erase those memories and move on. I think I'm just too stubborn....sigh...

Fon