I don't know exactly whether I'm lucky that I've met him or otherwise. I'm not in deep pain or hurt though I know that I'm losing him as a friend. Someone whom i thought could be my best friend for now or even until the day I die. Presently, I'm unable to describe our relationship. I thought it is a friendship but it does not fall in that category as we no longer have much conversation these days. I still miss those times when we could talk about everything under the sun. I have taken out my heart to be his honest friend but somehow he doesn't appreciate it. Sigh.... Again, I'm reminding myself that I deserve a better friend.
Lucky
Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby
I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you,
I will Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Nevertheless, I'm lucky to have beautiful family members and wonderful girlfriends who always been there for me.
Fon
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Mamma Mia
I didn't talk to him for a day but it feels like years. We are drifting apart....sigh...
My weekend has been interesting. Usually back in uni days, my friends and i were stayed awake till 3 - 4 am to eat our favourite char siew fan or go yum char after tired of studying. Since then I have not experienced that until this morning. My crazy friend who was at the office till 3:30am called to wake me up so that i could lead him to my house as he wanted to fetch me to go all the way down town, Petaling Street. Apparently there is a famous porridge stall at Petaling Street which is opened from 5am to 9am daily. It was indeed good. I had fish porridge and it came as raw. I had to pour into the hot porridge to let it cooked. I feel like in HK...been to HK twice and had a lot of sweet memories there. My friend and I had a long chat about relationships - both of us had painful pasts but it was good to share so we could move on better that way. Well, we have moved on i would say just that the memories still there. something that you could not erase till the rest of our lives.
I went to watch the movie, Mamma Mia and it was good. I love the songs and of course the stars featured. I really can't wait for the musical this coming Dec. After the movie, I went for dinner with 2 of my malay ex-classmates. They break fast at 7:15pm. It has been a while that we didn't meet but still manage to chat a lot. I can't wait for our coming reunion on 8 Nov. Hope it will turn out good. I haven't seen many of them in ages - since we left high school...about 8 years! lots of catching up.
I can't believe my weekend is over and will have to drag myself to work tomorrow. I will have Monday blues again as usual.
Fon
My weekend has been interesting. Usually back in uni days, my friends and i were stayed awake till 3 - 4 am to eat our favourite char siew fan or go yum char after tired of studying. Since then I have not experienced that until this morning. My crazy friend who was at the office till 3:30am called to wake me up so that i could lead him to my house as he wanted to fetch me to go all the way down town, Petaling Street. Apparently there is a famous porridge stall at Petaling Street which is opened from 5am to 9am daily. It was indeed good. I had fish porridge and it came as raw. I had to pour into the hot porridge to let it cooked. I feel like in HK...been to HK twice and had a lot of sweet memories there. My friend and I had a long chat about relationships - both of us had painful pasts but it was good to share so we could move on better that way. Well, we have moved on i would say just that the memories still there. something that you could not erase till the rest of our lives.
I went to watch the movie, Mamma Mia and it was good. I love the songs and of course the stars featured. I really can't wait for the musical this coming Dec. After the movie, I went for dinner with 2 of my malay ex-classmates. They break fast at 7:15pm. It has been a while that we didn't meet but still manage to chat a lot. I can't wait for our coming reunion on 8 Nov. Hope it will turn out good. I haven't seen many of them in ages - since we left high school...about 8 years! lots of catching up.
I can't believe my weekend is over and will have to drag myself to work tomorrow. I will have Monday blues again as usual.
Fon
Sunday, September 14, 2008
2008 is a "break up" year
Sigh...i hate to admit it but 2008 is not a good year for those who are in relationships. Beginning this year i was dumped and from my blog, you can see so many posts on my heartache. Since then every month i will hear break up stories from here and there. Tonight itself, i heard another 3 break up stories. I was trying to help them but yet they know the best what happened exactly. No one can help them except for standing up on their own. I have gone through that so i know how hard it is to go through the pain.
I lied if i said i don't miss him (not my recent ex...he had became my history...i'm happy that he is out of my life). I do miss him a lot and each day i will spend at least 30 seconds to think what he is doing and is he happy with his current life and does he miss me. Although i was hurt in the beginning when i knew he was holding back his feelings, i don't blame him for doing it as i don't own him. In fact, I'm just pissed that he actually thought i had made a wrong impression. He said I have made assumptions that we are "together". I admitted that I jumped into conclusion too fast but i think he should bear some responsibilities that he made me jumped into conclusion due to his actions and words. He somehow managed to convince me that his feelings for me are true and real. When i asked him again recently whether what he meant it seriously of what he had said to me previously. he didn't dare to answer me and all he said that it makes no difference now as he needs to settle his issues first. Well, i respect that. I'm hoping that he will do something right for himself. Yes, deep down inside me i wish we could end up together but as a friend, i hope he will love himself more and at least do the right thing for once for himself. I know it is easy to say than done. But life goes on so never lie to yourself when something isn't right. I hope he also realises what i actually feel deep down inside me too. I want you to be happy so if he also wants me to be happy, please feel for me and support me whatever paths I choose to take.
Fon
I lied if i said i don't miss him (not my recent ex...he had became my history...i'm happy that he is out of my life). I do miss him a lot and each day i will spend at least 30 seconds to think what he is doing and is he happy with his current life and does he miss me. Although i was hurt in the beginning when i knew he was holding back his feelings, i don't blame him for doing it as i don't own him. In fact, I'm just pissed that he actually thought i had made a wrong impression. He said I have made assumptions that we are "together". I admitted that I jumped into conclusion too fast but i think he should bear some responsibilities that he made me jumped into conclusion due to his actions and words. He somehow managed to convince me that his feelings for me are true and real. When i asked him again recently whether what he meant it seriously of what he had said to me previously. he didn't dare to answer me and all he said that it makes no difference now as he needs to settle his issues first. Well, i respect that. I'm hoping that he will do something right for himself. Yes, deep down inside me i wish we could end up together but as a friend, i hope he will love himself more and at least do the right thing for once for himself. I know it is easy to say than done. But life goes on so never lie to yourself when something isn't right. I hope he also realises what i actually feel deep down inside me too. I want you to be happy so if he also wants me to be happy, please feel for me and support me whatever paths I choose to take.
Fon
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dedicating this blog to someone who is still at work
It was my bad to call you and didn't know that you are still at work. So sorry about that ! I was feeling a bit tired and want to talk to someone but not sure who else i could talk to since you have been a good friend so far to hear most of stories. I hope you can continue to be my good friend who can listen to me when i'm feeling happy or sad.
Sigh...the last time i worked till that late was like 2 - 3 years back during peak period. Actually the longest working hours i ever worked was about 36 hours straight without any sleep. I was in the office from 8am (Friday) till the next day 6pm (Sat). All i knew was after my colleague dropped me off at the bus stop and my sis picked me up to head home. All i could remembered was my sis asked me what i wanted for dinner. i didn't answer her after that as i had fell into deep sleep in the car and hit the bed once i reached home. It was horrible and i could imagine how exhausted i was. Prior to that, i had been sleeping at 1 or 2 am every night but woke up at 6am. It happened for 4 - 6 weeks consecutive and had a migraine attack in between. Because of that, my ex bf actually brought me to Malacca in one of the weekends for a retreat so i could get away from work and everyone. He was very sweet then. Unfortunately, we are no longer in talking terms. I do not know when this can be back to normal like how my first bf and I - surprisingly we can still be good friends ! I had lose someone who used to be my best friend but lately I think i'm losing another one. I'm praying hard so this won't happen to me again. Losing a good friend is equally bad as losing someone you love.
I know you are working hard now and won't even know that I'm writing this down. I want to remember this moment of time that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. You work hard but please do take care of yourself. You'll always have my support whenever you need it. Good Night my dear friend ! May you have a pleasant night =)
Fon
Sigh...the last time i worked till that late was like 2 - 3 years back during peak period. Actually the longest working hours i ever worked was about 36 hours straight without any sleep. I was in the office from 8am (Friday) till the next day 6pm (Sat). All i knew was after my colleague dropped me off at the bus stop and my sis picked me up to head home. All i could remembered was my sis asked me what i wanted for dinner. i didn't answer her after that as i had fell into deep sleep in the car and hit the bed once i reached home. It was horrible and i could imagine how exhausted i was. Prior to that, i had been sleeping at 1 or 2 am every night but woke up at 6am. It happened for 4 - 6 weeks consecutive and had a migraine attack in between. Because of that, my ex bf actually brought me to Malacca in one of the weekends for a retreat so i could get away from work and everyone. He was very sweet then. Unfortunately, we are no longer in talking terms. I do not know when this can be back to normal like how my first bf and I - surprisingly we can still be good friends ! I had lose someone who used to be my best friend but lately I think i'm losing another one. I'm praying hard so this won't happen to me again. Losing a good friend is equally bad as losing someone you love.
I know you are working hard now and won't even know that I'm writing this down. I want to remember this moment of time that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. You work hard but please do take care of yourself. You'll always have my support whenever you need it. Good Night my dear friend ! May you have a pleasant night =)
Fon
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Smashed it all out...
I appear to be strong and firm but inside me is vulnerable and weak. Well, my heart still hurts but it will go away eventually. Last night I played badminton with my colleagues at Cobra Club, PJ. It was a good game especially i trashed all of them...haha....i felt bad but somehow i was so much better after the game. I headed straight to One U after the game to meet June as she wanted to shop for her mum's bday pressies. On the other hand, i was assigned to get farewell gifts for CY who will be leaving to UK for her MBA. It was a good shopping as i managed to buy what i wanted within everyone's budget. Hope CY will like it :) ! Looking forward to tomorrow's potluck party at Raz's place in Bukit Jalil. It's going to be fun to catch up with the rest of my ex- uni mates. yay !!!
I confronted him last night to tell him how i felt after the trip. He didn't appear to care much about it. Well, i felt better to let him know exactly how hurt i was and expected to lose him as a friend too. Sigh...within a short period, i just lost someone whom i care about a lot. There is nothing i could do and can be done as he needs to sort out his issues. Otherwise, both of us are heading no where and will end up feeling guilty and sorry for each other. No matter what, my journey to pursue my career in SG will not end here as it is something i want to achieve before i regret later.
It has been a busy week and i foresee more to come. Everyone is chasing me left and right to get the work done. It was crappy especially my relationship problem hit me at the same time. i seriously need to sit down calmly and sort it out one by one. It is countless and madness !! Arrghhhh.....my drive is gone each time i look at my workplace....files are everywhere and working papers / folders are pilling up (both completed and WIP). haha...life working in Big 4 !!! Sad but true :p i'm well known to have good memory but it's deterioting each day....arrrghhh...this is really GONE MAD.
Fon
I confronted him last night to tell him how i felt after the trip. He didn't appear to care much about it. Well, i felt better to let him know exactly how hurt i was and expected to lose him as a friend too. Sigh...within a short period, i just lost someone whom i care about a lot. There is nothing i could do and can be done as he needs to sort out his issues. Otherwise, both of us are heading no where and will end up feeling guilty and sorry for each other. No matter what, my journey to pursue my career in SG will not end here as it is something i want to achieve before i regret later.
It has been a busy week and i foresee more to come. Everyone is chasing me left and right to get the work done. It was crappy especially my relationship problem hit me at the same time. i seriously need to sit down calmly and sort it out one by one. It is countless and madness !! Arrghhhh.....my drive is gone each time i look at my workplace....files are everywhere and working papers / folders are pilling up (both completed and WIP). haha...life working in Big 4 !!! Sad but true :p i'm well known to have good memory but it's deterioting each day....arrrghhh...this is really GONE MAD.
Fon
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Wonderful ppl out there, you know who you are ! Thanks :)
As usual, I have my buddy cum lady boss to back me up when i'm in trouble, my ex-classmate who has always been there for me since we were 7, not forgetting my lovely cousin who actually read my blog. This blog is supposed to be low profile but at least i was thrown with some thoughts to stay more positive about things that are happening around me. Thanks for being there when i least expected it !
I got back to work today after my Bintan trip. It has been quite a busy day for me and unscheduled internal briefing about the recent budget announcement which had prevented me to catch up with some of my work when i was away. I have to work bit more harder tomorrow morning and hope to finish up part of my work before my next conference meeting at 2pm. Busy schedules are giving me the momentum to work towards my goal. Yes, i just need that spirit to keep myself going. One of my colleagues today initiated to organize a weekly badminton session and i'm so up for it. This is something that i have been waiting for....the "drive" to be influenced to do something. I just can't wait for my first ever badminton session with my beloved colleagues who have gone through thick and thin with me during my years in Deloitte. If I would to leave Deloitte M'sia one day, i will never forget you girls =). You girls are the ones who taught me what team work really is and the motivation to keep each other alive and kicking to bring up the team as the firm's million dollars asset. The power of J cluster !!!
Thought of blogging more but my brain is shutting down so i shall continue another day.
To all the selfish men out there, please remember that things go around will come back around. When you are so selfish, you will hurt a lot of your loved ones. Do think about it and act accordingly before it is too late.
Fon
I got back to work today after my Bintan trip. It has been quite a busy day for me and unscheduled internal briefing about the recent budget announcement which had prevented me to catch up with some of my work when i was away. I have to work bit more harder tomorrow morning and hope to finish up part of my work before my next conference meeting at 2pm. Busy schedules are giving me the momentum to work towards my goal. Yes, i just need that spirit to keep myself going. One of my colleagues today initiated to organize a weekly badminton session and i'm so up for it. This is something that i have been waiting for....the "drive" to be influenced to do something. I just can't wait for my first ever badminton session with my beloved colleagues who have gone through thick and thin with me during my years in Deloitte. If I would to leave Deloitte M'sia one day, i will never forget you girls =). You girls are the ones who taught me what team work really is and the motivation to keep each other alive and kicking to bring up the team as the firm's million dollars asset. The power of J cluster !!!
Thought of blogging more but my brain is shutting down so i shall continue another day.
To all the selfish men out there, please remember that things go around will come back around. When you are so selfish, you will hurt a lot of your loved ones. Do think about it and act accordingly before it is too late.
Fon
Monday, September 1, 2008
I thought I will never cry over a guy....
Well, I'm back home in Malaysia! Spent like 4 hours in total from Changi airport and now back home. I just left my luggage upstairs and came down to blog. There are so many things in my mind. This trip seriously has made me think so much about my future. What do i really want ? Where to start to get back on track? It has been a rocky year since beginning of this year. It started off by getting dumped from a guy whom I thought I will end up marrying. I was so hurt and down with misery for months with all the anger, betrayal, sorrows and loneliness until i got back on track with the support of my loved ones i.e. friends and family. Things began to look better especially after I met someone whom has so much influenced towards me. He has made me think a lot about my future especially my career path.
Yes, I want to change job and have been seeking opportunities to work elsewhere. In fact, i thought of getting a job in SG in view of the currencies earned there and SG has always been a safe country to live in. Apart from that, I'm in love with the guy who is currently based in SG and very unlikely he will be back in Malaysia in near future. Things turn out to be so much more complicated when i have yet to find any luck to even get an interview after sending in so many applications. He in turn tells me that I should not go over to SG unless the offer is good which is very true. Well, he has more working experience than i have and in fact I, being 26 is still behaving childishly which somehow indirectly turn him off. I know exactly what he is trying to tell me. He doesn't want to be selfish towards me and wants me to think about myself and love myself than anyone else. What about him ? he and his unresolved issues in his relationship. Yes, he did tell me that he loves and wants to be with me but he is not doing anything at all to prove to me that he is all for me. On the other hand, i have been trying to get things work out well for us. I only live once and if i don't fight for something i want badly and just give up, I know i will definitely regret one day. It may not be worth it to sacrifice for a man but that is exactly what i want. I just want to be with someone I love....is that wrong? unless he tells me that he doesn't love me at all and can never leave his gf. Gosh....complications and more complications. I'm stucked in between and if i get to choose, i would rather being his current gf who at least has a better position than I'm - refers as the other "woman".
Just now at the airport, I thought i will not cry but after browsing the pic of him in my ipod. My eyes became watery but I tried to hold it back as my gut feelings tell me that i should not give up and move on just like that. My heart hurts :( I used to believe in GOD a lot but after a bad break up, I chose not to believe in anything and just follow my instinct. However, I'm back to square one but no direction at all. Can someone out there drop me a hint what i should do? It is getting worst day by day......more and more misery moments. I just want to be loved...it's so simple but I fail to achieve it at all. :(
Fon
Yes, I want to change job and have been seeking opportunities to work elsewhere. In fact, i thought of getting a job in SG in view of the currencies earned there and SG has always been a safe country to live in. Apart from that, I'm in love with the guy who is currently based in SG and very unlikely he will be back in Malaysia in near future. Things turn out to be so much more complicated when i have yet to find any luck to even get an interview after sending in so many applications. He in turn tells me that I should not go over to SG unless the offer is good which is very true. Well, he has more working experience than i have and in fact I, being 26 is still behaving childishly which somehow indirectly turn him off. I know exactly what he is trying to tell me. He doesn't want to be selfish towards me and wants me to think about myself and love myself than anyone else. What about him ? he and his unresolved issues in his relationship. Yes, he did tell me that he loves and wants to be with me but he is not doing anything at all to prove to me that he is all for me. On the other hand, i have been trying to get things work out well for us. I only live once and if i don't fight for something i want badly and just give up, I know i will definitely regret one day. It may not be worth it to sacrifice for a man but that is exactly what i want. I just want to be with someone I love....is that wrong? unless he tells me that he doesn't love me at all and can never leave his gf. Gosh....complications and more complications. I'm stucked in between and if i get to choose, i would rather being his current gf who at least has a better position than I'm - refers as the other "woman".
Just now at the airport, I thought i will not cry but after browsing the pic of him in my ipod. My eyes became watery but I tried to hold it back as my gut feelings tell me that i should not give up and move on just like that. My heart hurts :( I used to believe in GOD a lot but after a bad break up, I chose not to believe in anything and just follow my instinct. However, I'm back to square one but no direction at all. Can someone out there drop me a hint what i should do? It is getting worst day by day......more and more misery moments. I just want to be loved...it's so simple but I fail to achieve it at all. :(
Fon
Through the rain
My favourite song, Through the rain by Mariah Carey was playing in my ipod while i was on the ferry back from Bintan to Singapore. It was inspirational...hahah...though it was about a girl who has followed her heart to run away with the man she loves although her parents were against their relationship. No matter what against your dreams, as long as you have the heart to do it, you can definitely make it. This is the spirit I'm looking for.....where it is? i wonder...it has not hit me yet. I know i have a lot of things that i want to do but somehow i have not found the drive to keep it moving. i must find it soon to end the misery i'm facing. Like what Mariah's....we can make it through it the rain ! Yes, i will....definitely will !
It's the start of Sept...can't believe Aug just ended like that. I was trying to recall what had happened for the past few weeks but i can't. Everything seemed to be wiped off. I knew I enjoyed my stay at Bintan Island. The resort was fanstatic but the whole trip cost a bomb ! I felt very guilty for choosing that place though I didn't spend a single cent except for the ferry tickets. The whole trip has taught me a lesson too....better don't start enjoying luxury in life if you don't even know how to save and spend accordingly. I had made a promise to myself not to spend for unnecessary until end of this year before the trip. Money is hard to earn and hard to save too due to the economy downturn....sigh !!! So starting this month....no more spending and will stay at home more to pick up more reading. I find that gaining knowledge is something that you can't stop doing...you must do it until the day you breathe out your last breath.
It's time to keep myself back on track...i want a change...i have mention it so many times but nothing has changed so far. It's depressing.....i can say it but no action will not change anything. I better do it before it is too late. My future is determined by myself and no one else gives any answer to it.
Fon
It's the start of Sept...can't believe Aug just ended like that. I was trying to recall what had happened for the past few weeks but i can't. Everything seemed to be wiped off. I knew I enjoyed my stay at Bintan Island. The resort was fanstatic but the whole trip cost a bomb ! I felt very guilty for choosing that place though I didn't spend a single cent except for the ferry tickets. The whole trip has taught me a lesson too....better don't start enjoying luxury in life if you don't even know how to save and spend accordingly. I had made a promise to myself not to spend for unnecessary until end of this year before the trip. Money is hard to earn and hard to save too due to the economy downturn....sigh !!! So starting this month....no more spending and will stay at home more to pick up more reading. I find that gaining knowledge is something that you can't stop doing...you must do it until the day you breathe out your last breath.
It's time to keep myself back on track...i want a change...i have mention it so many times but nothing has changed so far. It's depressing.....i can say it but no action will not change anything. I better do it before it is too late. My future is determined by myself and no one else gives any answer to it.
Fon
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