Am I still miserable or I already have an answer?

I just got home not long ago and had a long day today.....surprisingly I'm not sleepy at all. Perhaps, it was because i just got out from the shower and I have the urge to write and express my current feelings. As usual, I'm waiting for my hair to dry as the stupid hair dryer that i have didn't work that well. I should not have invested on cheap hair dryer. I shall wait whether i could redeem a hair dryer from my credit card points or bonuslink points.

Work was OK today....not much issues with clients. I headed to Modesto at Hartamas after work for IAFG (Inter Accounting Firms Games) Kick Off Dinner. IAFG will start officially this Monday (30 June 2008). Most of the players and sports club members were there, It was my first time attending the dinner. It went well and the ambience was good - spacious with good music. The food was not bad as well since the menu was chosen by my beloved boss :). Unfortunately, she wasn't there to join us as she is currently in Guangzhou with her family. It was her Bday - 27 June 2008 ! As usual, many ppl turned out late and the event was started at about 8:30pm. I tagged along with PS today and we reached there quite early - at around 7:20pm. I mingled around with him and other colleagues who arrived earlier while waiting for my other colleagues to come.

Since I didn't drive and PS also had to leave earlier, I got TW to pick me up from Modesto at around 9:45pm. TW had asked me out to have drinks a day earlier. He came back from SG unexpectedly to settle some issues and will be heading back to SG tomorrow morning. After fetching, we headed to Starbucks at Uptown since my car was there. It was easier for me to pick up my car later. I'm a green tea person so I ordered Green Tea Latte which is my current fav at Starbucks as I can't take coffee to avoid having headache. TW ordered his blended coffee. We sat down and chit-chatted until the shop closed. I think around 3 hours. We chatted about lots of things but i know we can still continue. If time allows us, we will be chatting non stop until we fall asleep. Since it was pretty late, we were hungry and had hokkien mee hoon mee and cantonese kuey teow for supper.

I like talking to TW but somehow it is not a good thing as i can feel that we are so alike which makes me have a different feeling. It is so comfortable as though i feel he isn't more than just a friend but someone whom i have known for so long and someone whom i want to be with to share my ups and downs. However, my instinct tells me he isn't ready to move another step forward with me since he still considered "attached". I have mixed feelings too. One side of my brain tells me that i should open my heart but the other side of my brain tells me to keep my close for the moment rather than being hurt or disappointed all over again. Was it better for me not to be so close to him anymore? Well, I'll be seeing him again in SG next Friday and will be spending couple of days together to tour around SG. Probably, this whole thing is just an one-sided relationship where I begin to fall for him but he just likes me as a friend. Why things must be so complicated? Can't it just lets us meet and love at first sight ? It will be hard too if I really can't get a job in SG and TW is very sure himself that he will want to stay in SG for long. I wish i could change my current environment. It's getting mundance and when I have met someone I thought it's rather perfect for me, I will have to face the challenges i.e. whether he is also into me? whether i could possibly move to SG to develop things further in terms of career and also relationship ? whether it this really what i want or just a temporary feeling where i just need someone ? etc etc etc....there are no straight forward answers to this !

But hardly I can actually find someone whom i feel so comfortable talking to. I think I have to control my feelings as I really do not want to lose him as a friend too. It's weird that I have been dreaming about him lately. The first dream i had about TW was really surprising and refreshing. I didn't expect that he actually whispered to me in my dream that he really likes me and want to be with me. Haha...it must be my own fantasy and imagination since i have stronger feelings against him more than he has for me. I woke up in shock and was slapped back to reality that it may not even happen. Jane, please wake up! If I keep living in fantasyworld, I will be miserable forever.

Fon